Interviewer: Firstly, Jesus, thank you so much for agreeing to this interview.
Jesus: No probs. Thanks for the money.
Interviewer: Uhm, we weren't going to mention that.
Jesus: Why not? Money makes the world go round.
Interviewer: But your Word teaches a completely different message.
Jesus: It does?
Interviewer: Yes! For example, "Blessed are the poor..."
Jesus: I never said that.
Interviewer:
Jesus: Why the hell would the poor be blessed? That's just nonsense.
Interviewer:
[interview stopped and restarted after a 10 minute lie-down by the interviewer]
Interviewer: Firstly, Jesus, thank you so much for agreeing to this interview.
Jesus: No probs.
Interviewer: I guess the question on everybody's mind is "Why did you do it?"
Jesus: Do what?
Interviewer: Die for mankind so that we might be forgiven of our sins.
Jesus: What?
Interviewer: "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."
Jesus: I died?
Interviewer: Uhm, yes.
Jesus: You can see me, right?
Interviewer: Yes...
Jesus: And you say I died?
Interviewer: Yes, and on the third day you were raised from the grave.
Jesus: Is this another one of those things in my "Word"?
Interviewer: Yes, look...
Jesus [speed reading]: Man, this is crazy. Look, they don't even agree on the details.
Interviewer: The accounts can be reconciled.
Jesus: Reconcile all you want. It never happened.
Interviewer: What do you mean?
Jesus: Let's see: God, i.e. me, gave His only son, i.e. me, to die. And then He, i.e. me, magically enabled me, i.e. me, to rise from the dead. All so that your bad shit could be forgiven by Him, i.e. me?
Interviewer: Yes.
Jesus: Why didn't He, i.e. me just forgive you? That's what I would have done. What's with the creepy death and resurrection stuff?
Interviewer:
Jesus: Do you have any fun questions?
[interview aborted]
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