Not Feeling Very Bright Today?

Atheist creationist Noah's ark meme picture - Not feeling very bright today? Smile and remember... there are grown adults who actually believe that two penguins walked all the way from Antarctica to the middle east to get aboard an ark built by a 500 year old man.

There is simple rule of thumb when reading the Bible: take the text at face value, unless there's an obvious reason not to.  But this 'unless' is where the problems start.

Sometimes, like with Psalms, the language is clearly intended to be poetic, so not everything being said actually means what you think. For example, the psalmist doesn't actually think the earth has four corners.  Well actually, he probably does, but being divinely inspired, he doesn't really.  Well God doesn't. Anyway, I digress...

Then we have Prophecy, also known as poetry on drugs, where the writing can be full of very strange imagery.  Taking anything literally in the prophetic chapters is a risky move indeed, as we have seen with the numerous failed End of World pronouncements.

However, most of the rest of the Bible certainly reads like it was intended as historical narrative, and for the most part seems to correctly coincide with known historical events (miracles aside).

But this makes the Genesis account a real problem. It reads like the rest, and there is no literary reason to take Genesis at anything but face value.  In fact, both Jesus and Paul refer to it as such.

However, the facts clearly clash quite badly with generally accepted observed scientific evidence, leaving the Bible student with two equally unpalatable options: (i) use the metaphor wildcard and don't worry about the Jesus-Paul references, which is not good, because, well, Jesus and Paul; or (ii) you become a Creationist and fight the scientific evidence to the death, i.e. you become a complete idiot.

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You Deserve Hell

Funny You Deserve Hell Sign - Bible puncher holds a You Deserve Hell sign, while a large banana holds a You Deserve Potassium sign

For the purposes of this rant, I'm going to assume a traditional, literal view of Hell, i.e. a place of eternal fire, torment, suffering and punishment; the final home of the Unrighteous, the Devil and his minions. 

I would humbly suggest that the only sane response to this concept is abhorrence, if for no other reason than its sheer excess, somewhat reminiscent of the Great Flood.  Even a very wicked man will only commit a finite number of sins in his lifetime, so an infinite punishment (even with only a few "stripes") can never be considered commensurate.

And it's not just God the Father who is like this.  Jesus was clearly on board with the Divine vision:

"The servant who knows the master's will and does not get ready or does not do what the master wants will be beaten with many blows." (Luke 12:47)

"There will be weeping there, and gnashing of teeth, when you see Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and all the prophets in the kingdom of God, but you yourselves thrown out." (Luke 13:28)

Charming.

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Jesus Please Help Me!

Ah, the silent heavens, so deaf to our frantic pleas, almost as if there were nothing there.

 “The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike.” (Delos McKown)

Funny Jesus Please Help Me! Gif Picture

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Who Will Look After Me?

I am reading Penn Jillette's hilarious and insightful book God, No!: Signs You May Already Be an Atheist and Other Magical Tales, and was struck by the passage below.  The speaker in view is a Hasidic Jew who became an atheist.

"When he had lost his faith and seen the light of reason peeking through, he asked himself one question: "Who will take care of me?"  Pie and I almost cried when he said that.

Who will take care of me?

The thing is, when you are a Believer you are more often than not surrounded by caring: be it a Heavenly Father who will make everything alright in the end, or a bunch of people you commune with regularly, your spiritual family.

Then you leave it all and, if you've been doing the believing for some time, find yourself suddenly very alone, and fully responsible, with nobody to take care of you.  This particularly true if your family were believers too.

It's a tough, scary place to be.

Atheists don't have an easy substitute for all of the above support.  It makes no sense to gather around the absence of a thing.  Groups gather for a purpose, not the absence of a purpose.

Atheist church sounds like option, I suppose, but I feel I've wasted enough good years on the topic of non-existent gods.  Why would I want to spend my Sundays continuing to do so?

Perhaps I should take up knitting.  I hear the women are hot under all that wool.

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Is Heaven Heavenly?

For those luckily enough to have heard about Jesus (i.e. the winners of the geographical and genetic lottery), Heaven awaits: a glorious place full of mansions and shit; a place where the Resurrected army of God will return to their King to worship, free of tears, suffering and evil; for all eternity.

But at what terrible cost?  Will we be able to choose?  Will there be any more of those tricksy trees to avoid?  Heaven forbid the whole experiment kicks off again!

That aside, it sounds like it would be a pretty perfect place, cosily nestled in Abraham's bosom, separated by an impassable chasm from Hell, the eternal home of the suffering wicked.

And the Righteous, now being devoid of tears and anguish, will presumably not give a damn (pun intended) about their unsaved loved ones; much like their "loving" Father.

 I think I'd rather burn than be part of this charade.

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What Religion Is This?

Funny What Religion Is This Meme Picture

My fundamental issue with leaving the shores of reason is that we no longer have constraints on what we think may or may not be true.  It is as Nietzsche said:

"A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything."

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Christian Denominations

I love this Emo Philips joke so very much.  I think it is particularly funny, because like many good jokes, it hits a nerve: the fact that even where the Truth is concerned, we humans are a divisive lot.  We love to gather around in like-minded ignorance and hate anything that is different.

So what did God do?  He planted the seed of an alleged Truth in the minds of a bunch of ignorant goatherders, told them they him they were chosen, and relied upon a process of Chinese whispers to communicate this to us.

The Bible is the inerrant Word of God, they all say, but since there is no divinely inspired copy/translation process and the thousands of manuscript fragments contain a fair number of discrepancies, the phrase becomes "inerrant in the autographs (originals)".  Except we don't have those.  The inerrancy of "God's word" is an assumption.

And we've not even started on the correct process of Biblical interpretation, or hermeneutics, if you want to give it an air of respectability.

The short of it is that we have ended up with hundreds of Christian denominations, all sincerely seeking the truth in Scripture and yet all coming to quite different conclusions on important matters such as whether the Holy Communion should be in one cup or many.

"Oh, but we agree on the fundamentals!"

Think again.  If you weren't baptised as an adult via full water immersion, say the Churches of Christ, then you are not saved. And if you're Catholic, there is no point even pitching up at the Judgement Seat.

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Jerk Satan or God?

Funny Jerk Satan God Cartoon Picture - Cool! Now make a bunch of ideas they aren't allowed to think.  Ha! You're such a jerk,

Who really was the jerk, Satan or God?

After all, who orchestrated the whole freewill experiment, knowing full well, being omniscient, what the terrible outcome would be?

That would be God.  The rest of us, including Satan, are just acting out our parts.

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Your own personal Jesus

Your own personal Jesus irreligious cartoon picture

"Have you found Jesus? Is he your personal Lord and Saviour?  Do you have a relationship with Him?"

I always hated the use of relationship language in the context of Jesus and God.  You can't have a relationship that is one-sided, where all communication returns unanswered, and you have to guess at the mysterious workings of the one you "love".   I have a relationship with my wife.  I love her. She loves me.  We know this because we talk and care for each other in a practical way. Jesus is nothing like that.

It's a characteristic of non-existence.

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The Real Truth

I'm so happy to know that out of all the different religions I was raised in the only one that holds the real truth | Funny religious cartoon

So you're wandering around, minding your own business, when a woolly-haired man leaps from the bushes with a dusty book in his hand, muttering something about God.  Since you have an open mind, and it's a beautiful day, you listen to his ramblings, and you find out that this "God", who defies real definition (but you can call him Dad) exists apart from the universe He created. He is everywhere, knows everything, is eternal, invisible, immortal, very wise and can do magic.

"Interesting," you say, "and how exactly do we know this, if he is invisible?"

"Aha," shouts the man.  "Because He revealed himself to mankind!"

"To mankind? So not you personally?"

"No."

"But someone you know?"

"Um... no."

"So how do you know for sure this happened?"

"Because this book says so," screams the woolly-haired man and runs off.

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Funny Atheist Inventing God Quote

Funny Inventing God Quote - When inventing a god, the most important thing is to claim it is invisible, inaudible and impercetible in every way. Otherwise, people will become skeptical when it appears to no one, is silent and does nothing - anonymous

I honestly think, given the dire consequences of choosing incorrectly, that God has a moral obligation to be absolutely clear about his existence and the requirements for salvation from this supposed spiritual mess we are in.

Yet there are thousands of different gods and religions, and even within the mainstream religions there is huge disagreement about the Truth.

There is just not enough reasonable, undeniable evidence to be found.  Just what you'd expect if the gods were made up.

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Jesus' Lesser Miracles

Funny Jesus' Lesser Miracles Cartoon - Turning mayo into lite mayo. Walking across asphalt. Waking Lazarus from the bed.

God's powers over the years appeared to have diminished from the glorious days of creation and floods, through to plagues, parting seas, walking on water, resurrections and finally to the occasional appearance on toast.  In fact, so little miraculous has happened since the time of the apostles that the doctrine of cessationism arose (i.e. the belief that spiritual gifts died with the apostles).

However, in recent times, with Pentecostalism, there has been a resurgence of spiritual gifts and healing crusades.  It's odd however that these gifted faith healers don't do the hospital circuit instead of lining their pockets with the funds of the gullible masses.

And what's with God's apparent inability to heal amputees?!

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Successful Prayer Secrets

The secret to successful prayer is to be vague. And to beg.

We need to talk about the nonsense that is prayer.

We begin with a God who is omnipotent and omniscient, yet can somehow have his mind changed by us.  "Pray without ceasing!" cries the apostle Peter.  Look how Abraham was able to save Lot's family from the horror of Sodom and Gomorrah, just by pleading with God.

So we try to live with the continued paradox of freewill and predestination, of our choice and God's will, and fall on our knees to ask for things.

The first thing we notice is that God does not talk back.  The Scriptures speak of "still small voice" but it's too quiet for all but the most imaginative ear.

But we persist.  After all, pray until something happens (PUSH) is emblazoned proudly on our wristbands!

If something happens that is to our liking, then - God be praised - Hallelujah - our faith was not misplaced.  God is good all the time!  Of course, you don't know that it wasn't going to happen anyway, but let's not spoil the party.

A much more likely outcome, however, is that nothing happens, and we have to start wondering what's going on.  Has God said no?  Do we need to keep on praying?  Do we need to be patient?  Is God testing us?

We just don't know.

So we eventually give up, and trust that God knows what the fuck he's doing.  We eventually learn how to pray in a more effective way, full of vague, ambiguous requests, and not surprisingly, our prayers start being answered, and we become prayer warriors, heroes of the church.

Until that fated day, when over-confidence strikes, and we lay a hand of healing on the head of a poor amputee, forgetting that whatever prayers God does answer, prayers for amputees are certainly not on that list.

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Christian Lite

Funny Christian Lite Joke Picture - I don't always read the Bible but when I do... I only read the parts I like ... Mostly Jesus Christ

If you've ever been in church, you may have heard the phrase "difficult passages".  Essentially, a difficult passage is one that clashes with your established interpretation of the Bible.  My advice is to just cut these out of your Bible, since they were placed there by the Devil to tempt you.

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Scientific Proof God Exists

 Funny Scientific Proof God Exists Funny Joke Tumbleweed Gif

Seriously,  before we get to the question of God's existence, we need some definitions; because for the question to even make sense, the individual terms need to make sense.  We cannot ask, "Is proposition P true, if P is in itself a contradiction."  Which is why we are not reasonably allowed to ask silly questions like: "Can God make a rock so big he can't lift it?"

So what of the term "God"?

Even if we pick just one of the many definitions proposed by religion, e.g. the Christian one, we still have a being that: exists apart from existence as we know it; is both one and three beings; predestines (or preknows) what we are going to do, yet alleges we have free will; seems to be at odds with himself; and demonstrates inconsistent, psychotic behaviour.  In other words, a very paradoxical being indeed.

Christians like to refer to this paradox as a mystery, but that's just wordplay.  I don't think the question "Does God exist?" can be sensibly asked.

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Why Does God Allows Suffering?

Funny Why God Allows Suffering Joke Picture - God, why do bad things happen to good people?  Because it's funny!  So, when my son fell off that bridge - Hahahahahahahahaha

For those of you who don't know the Bible story of Job, Job was a faithful servant of God; so much so, that when God and Satan were having a chat one day, he gets picked by God to demonstrate that Job is not (as Satan suggests) only faithful because he is blessed and protected by God.  God gives Satan permission to inflict quite a lot of suffering on the poor chap (including the killing of his family, the stripping away of all his wealth, and giving him boils.)  But Job perseveres and refuses to curse God.

So God wins the bet, and Job is re-blessed with more than he had originally.  Everybody's happy, apart from me.  This is twisted!  Job should be berated for his irrational belief in God's goodness -the God who allowed the suffering for the sake of a silly bet that arguably an omniscient being should have known the outcome of anyway.

Suffering exists.  God exists.  Something's not right.

Either God wills the suffering, and can't be considered loving in any normal sense of the word, or he doesn't, but is somehow powerless to fix it.

Christians will generally blame the Devil or humans for the suffering inflicted, and go a little fuzzy around tsunamis and stuff, but either way God is not absolved.  This is his experiment.  He knew what would happen, that billions of innocent animal species and humans would suffer.

But somehow it is worth it. He is worth it.

Bollocks to that.

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Prayer Helmet

Funny Prayer Helmet Religious Picture - Only $249.55

It enhances your prayers so God can hear them clearly!  God also thinks "you really mean it" this time.  Mega Church Inc.

The heavens are terribly silent.  Prayers return unanswered to the supplicant, leaving the poor soul to wrestle with several choices:

1. There is no god.
2. There is a god but she doesn't answer prayer.
3. The prayer was wrong.
4. The supplicant did not deserve an answer.
5. The answer was "no".
6. The answer was "not yet".
7. Time passes and the thing happens. The answer is "yes".

This leaves an immense amount of wriggle room for the non-existent god to exist in the faithful mind.

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Where Are The Miracles?

Funny Miracles Frequency Chart Joke Picture - Camera Photoshop Invented

I fully accept that if there were gods that they would be able to do "miraculous" things, and that if these things were done in days of yore that they might have been written down as eye-witness accounts.

But what bothers me (apart from the diverse and internally inconsistent nature of such accounts) is that since the timing of salvation is clearly not an issue (many people died before the salvation event), why could this event not have been delayed until a time of scientific and rational scrutiny?

The fact that these reported events occurred at a time of general illiteracy is suspicious if nothing else.

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Be Saved Or Burn

Funny Be Saved Or Burn Religious Meme Picture - I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be saved or you'll burn.  Stupid fireman.

I was never a very good evangelist, because through some divine plan I ended up being embarrassed to broach the very personal topic of religion with complete strangers.  Never mind that the message itself has tremendous plausibility issues.

But of course, I had to do it.  I wouldn't be a good Christian otherwise.  The world was lost, after all, and who was going to save people from Hell if we didn't speak up?

So off I went:


"Jesus loves you."
"That's nice."



"You need to be saved!"
"From what?"
"From Hell."
"I don't believe in Hell."



"God loves you and wants to be saved."
"Save from what?"
"Hell."
"I thought you said he loved me?"



You see, evangelists struggle at the first hurdle: which is to persuade people that they have a problem that needs fixing.

Which, I suspect, is why, very often, idiots become believers.

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I Genuinely Just Want Evidence

I genuinely just want evidence for this god you claim. Jesus! Jesus! God! God!

My wife is a theist.  She imagines improbable things which are very real to her, but which only exist in her mind.

This is source of tremendous conflict for us.  She wants me to believe her, to trust her, but since I no longer believe, I've gotten into the annoying habit of asking her for evidence. This annoys her, firstly because she think it means I doubt her word, and secondly because she has to provide evidence that is usually non-existent too.

My wife is also mentally ill.  Genuinely. She has bipolar disorder with severe psychosis. She imagines improbable things which are very real to her, but only exist in her mind.

This is source of tremendous conflict for us.... but you get my drift.

You see, it is like this with any unlikely proposition you want me to believe.  It doesn't matter how good a proposition it is, or how good you are as a person.  As long as there is insufficient evidence for the improbable, the sane mind should reject it.

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