An old Jew dies and goes to Heaven and decides to tell God a Holocaust joke. God doesn't laugh, so the old Jew just shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there."
Richard Dawkins on Religion
What worries me about religion is that it teaches people to be satisfied with not understanding
Jesus, Help Me!
The silent heavens, so deaf to our frantic pleas, almost as if there were nothing there.
God prefers unbelievers
I'm starting to prefer the ones who don't believe in me.
Thought and Prayers
Instead of sending thoughts and prayers, why not do something useful?.
Showing posts with label Judaism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Judaism. Show all posts
Choosing Your Religion Flowchart
Funny Choosing Your Religion Flowchart Joke Picture
Let's be honest, this religion business is not very clear, is it?Assuming there are gods, and that we exist for the purpose of worshipping them, it would have been helpful if the instructions for finding them had been clearer.
Already I feel the ire rising of those believers clutching Scriptures in their clammy hands. "We have the Truth! Revealed by God! There is only one way!"
Except that there are many books.
All allegedly inspired.
Yet different.
And you are most likely to be clutching THAT particular Book in your hands because of WHERE you were born. Your version of the truth is a geographical accident.
Sorry.
Jewish Prayer Book Misogyny
Blessed are You, Hashem, our God, King of the universe, for not making me a woman
Funny Jewish Jokes
"What brings you here today, friend?" asked the priest, somewhat surprised to see a Jew in his confessional.
"After seventy years as a virgin, I made love all night long to two twenty year-olds."
"I understand," replied the priest, "and you tell me this because you seek absolution, even though you are a Jew?"
"Not at all," replied the old man. "I'm telling everyone!"
The Jewish Bra
A young Jewish man walked into Macey's lingerie department and told the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34C."
"What kind of bra?" asked the puzzled woman.
"A Jewish bra. My wife said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our religious customers either want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
"Really? What's the difference?" asked the puzzled young man.
The saleslady replied, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
"And the Jewish bra?"
"The Jewish bra," replied the saleslady, "makes mountains out of molehills".
Funny short Jewish joke
Circumcision
Two boys are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first boy leaned over and asked, "What are you in here for?"
"I'm getting my tonsils out," replied the second boy. "I'm a little nervous."
"You've got nothing to worry about," said the first. "I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up, they give you lots of ice cream. It's a breeze."
"That's good," replied the second boy, "but what are you in here for?"
"Circumcision."
"Ooooh, good luck, mate!" exclaimed the second boy. "I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year!"
Funny circumcision cartoon joke picture
Jew Jitsu
Two men visiting New York City for the first time come across two Jews wearing long black coats, wide-brimmed hats, with long beards and earlocks.
One man turns to the other and says, "What's that?"
The second man replies, "Hassidim."
The first man responds, "I see them, too -- but, what are they?"
~
A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighbourly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.
The blind man ran his fingers over the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, “Who wrote this cr*p?”
Origin of the Ten Commandments
This is the little-known tale of how God came to give the Jews the Ten Commandments.
God first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment.
"What's a commandment?" they asked.
"Well, it's like: Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," replied God.
The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way. That would ruin our weekends."
So then God went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, "What's a commandment?"
"Well," said God, "it's like, Thou Shalt Not Steal."
The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy."
So finally God went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment. They asked, "How much?"
God said, "They're free."
The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN!"
Titanic
funny short joke
The old Jew lunged across the restaurant table and punched the Chinaman on the nose.
"What was that for?" shouted the Chinaman, clutching his bleeding nose.
"For Pearl Harbor, you son of a bitch."
"Pearl Harbor was bombed by the Japanese, you idiot," protested the Chinaman. "I'm Chinese!"
"Japanese. Chinese," scoffed the Jew. "What's the difference?!"
The Chinaman then leaped up, knocking over the table, and hit the old Jew over the head with his dinner tray. "Then that's for the Titanic!"
"The Titanic??" replied the Jew, puzzled. "But the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!"
"Iceberg. Goldberg. What's the difference?!"
Moses New Samsung Tablet
Funny Moses New Samsung Tablet Meme Picture - this new Samsung tablet is rubbish!
Desert Quadrilogy
Funny Desert Quadrilogy Joke Picture - Jewish Adventures. The Return of the Jew - Revenge of Mohammed - Jesus in Space
Funny Jewish Sabbath Cartoon
Funny Jewish Sabbath Cartoon Picture - On Shabbat we don't drive... and you can only chase parked cars.
Funny Church Money Collection Joke
An Orthodox Priest, a Catholic Priest and a Rabbi are talking about how they divide up the collection money from their congregations.
"To divide up the money," said the Catholic priest, "we draw two circles on the ground: one small one inside one big one. We then throw the money up in the air, and whatever lands in the big circle we give to use for the church, and whatever lands in the small circle we keep for ourselves."
The Orthodox priest nodded. "Yes, we do the same, except that whatever lands in the small circle we give to God, and whatever is in the big circle we keep to ourselves."
"Nu," said the Rabbi, "we also draw two circles on the ground, but we throw the money up in the air, and whatever God wants, he takes!"
Bible Hermeneutics Interpretation
Funny Bible Interpretation Hermeneutics Quote Picture - the art and science of interpreting the Bible so that it says what you think it ought to say
Funny Moses Fifteen Ten Commandments
Funny Old Testament Bible Moses - The Lord Jehovah has given unto you these ten commandments for all to obey
Funny World Religion Definitions
Funny World Religion Definitions List Picture - Taoism, Hinduism, Islam, Buddhism, 7th Day Adventist, Prostenatism, Catholicism, Jehovah'sWitness, Judaism, Hare Krishna, Atheism, TV Evangelism Rasatianism
Funny Moses Cartoon Pictures
Funny Moses Cartoon Pictures - Moses, meet Steve Jobs. He's gonna upgrade our tables cartoon
Jesus Christ vs Moses competition involving walking and parting water - Very funny!
